Here it is, if you care to read it.
Maybe you’d find it of interest after all; though to me it’s both depressing and frustrating.
Do you want to know of those dreams, desires and hopes I arose with. Would you find more interest in what I accomplished or what was left unfinished?
If you want the first. Find someone else, I’m sorry but that doesn’t matter to me that much. Most of those will repeat tomorrow anyway. It is the unfinished ones that cling to you and refuse to let go. Those are what I think about and wish I could stop.
If you want to read this book I’ve written, please sit down. The volume is long and book one has, drat, I forgot to number the pages; well, it’s a lot.
So maybe tomorrow’s will be shorter but it’s Monday so probably not.
It was a familiar sensation. The calm of certainty to the all to easy “put on the mask of calmness before the panic and fear shows through” moment. I didn’t have time to explain that the helpful suggestions were making it worse for me. I had tried before but failed, mostly because i didn’t understand why the question of ” can you make dinner?” would cause such distress. I could see it in my mind finally. Each main dish led to multiple options, almost all at once. This basically led to me mentally going in circles. The other part is my sense of time with cooking. Without a recipe and clearly laid out steps, something always gets rushed. On top of that, frustration from both parties who are tired and hungry. If those times didn’t lead to a meltdown, it at least led to an intense discussion. I expressed my frustration at not being able to come up with anything and her frustration that after a long day she had to suddenly come up with dinner.
I recognize now the paralysis that came with so many choices and the inability to express my need for help. That was the most frustrating thing, to know I’m capable, that I can function in the kitchen, but to be unable to get started. I was incredibly disappointed in myself and I’m sure that amplified the disappointment she was experiencing.
For the first time, I was able to recognize and even more, acknowledge what I was experiencing was valid. With that, came the freedom to admit the need for help. The relief at the response of two choices is beyond words. I can handle two choices! All I had to do was settle on one of those choices and make sure I started on time.
It was a great feeling when she came home to have supper nearly done and to know she could focus on unwinding and not on what was for supper.
Can you help me? I think I’m lost again. Okay, correct that, I am lost.
I tried to listen to the directions you gave. Don’t you remember how i repeated each step to you perfectly? (As i promptly forgot the step before the one i was now speaking)
The map you made for me was great. Every important street labeled and key buildings marked. You told me how simple this map would make my trip. But I find it hard to read a map when I’m driving and is this intersection even on your map?
When I eventually get home,.please don’t focus on the fact that I got lost. I know you would have been made it back hours ago. Not sure how that helps though but next time i have to travel you can drive.
I’m going to go to my room and find the sanctuary i need. If you need me, leave a message. I’ve had enough interaction with people; especially those behind a wheel.
Are you trying to give me directions again? You’ve already lost me. I’m truly I for but I’m supposed to make a left, or is it a right at the intersection? Oh, wait, I have a gps?! Okay, just give me the address and I’ll get there soon.