Category Archives: autism, focus, auditory processing

Candle, Mind, and Body

Behold! The match is drawn and struck. The spark is made and the flame ignites, as it moves towards the wick. The fire takes hold and the candle steps into the flow of time.

The candle illumines the stillness and the tasks that lay undone. The restlessness within is revealed in its flickering light. See the one in motion, unable to remain at rest until the body says enough.

Another day, there’s more to do, and so the other end of the candle is found by the flame.

Two steps forward, then three steps back. Falling behind as the pace is increased.  Searching for another place a flame can take hold while fearing the time when the candle will break.

The body cries out for rest, but the mind refuses to let go. It wants to but the work is not yet done.  It fears the voices that come in the quiet of idleness. 

The mind desires stillness but the body cannot remain at rest.  The energy within must go somewhere.  The tension must be released but there are too many choices and where to begin…

Then, in the blink of an eye, the light from the candle is gone. There is nothing left to burn. The mind still plans as it calls out to the body to remain and let go. Yet, it is drug down into darkness and stillness as the body has nothing left.

The mind lets go at last and descends with the body.  It knows it must recharge. If the coming day is to be faced, the wax must cool and the new wick trimmed.

More evidence

I didn’t think I needed more evidence to but I guess at some point I’ll be grateful for that confirmation.

I’m still just a self-diagnosed autistic. I don’t have that official “label” and may not ever get it but what happened yesterday (it’s now past midnight) has removed the last sections of doubt. A few small sections remain but even with an official diagnosis I’ll probably still have moments of doubt.

It began when the place I was going to get supper at had closed the location I had come to. I should have checked but I had no reason to suspect anything had changed. I was forced to go to an alternate store. Though I had been in there before tonight felt wrong. I wasn’t anxious but I felt like I wanted to be anywhere else. I pushed on and after having the screen ask multiple times if I needed more time I had chosen my sandwich. Just as is was finished something started beeping and it took way more than I expected to calmly walk to the checkout and leave.

In the car, I sat there and started shaking a bit. I didn’t understand: I wasn’t cold or afraid yet I tried to hug myself and close by eyes for a few minutes before pulling myself together and heading to the church for the service. Had I recognized what was going on, I would have most likely gone home instead of heading to the church.

Once I arrived at the church, I thought whatever was going on had mostly passed. In retrospect, it was probably the controlled, safe, environment that existed in the solitude of the drive over (including the Christian death metal playing).

I’ve occasionally, had moments recently where I’ve questioned this self diagnosis. Maybe, even though it made perfect sense, I was wrong with this understanding that I was autistic. I had not experienced the type of meltdown of unexplainable crying, difficulty speaking, and with near total exhaustion following.

Initially, things seemed fine once the worship service began. The lighting wasn’t bad and there wasn’t any auditory issues that I recall. Yet, it wasn’t too long before I could feel the pain in my sinuses and eyes. I put on my sunglasses and hoped that this would be the end, and beforehand it had been. That night, it didn’t end. I could feel the tears coming, and the first echoes of discomfort became more evident. I remained standing for a bit but once I sat down, I could not stand up, the energy wasn’t there. I wanted to curl up, to compress myself, to, well, honestly, I don’t know what I wanted at that point. I was squeezing my arms, pressing my fingers against myself, trying to understand what was going on and what could make it stop. Thankfully, my wife was there and it seems like it was constant contact with her, that steady, gentle pressure, which seemed to start slowing this descent and bringing calm.

Though it wasn’t long in reality, hours felt like they passed. We met some friends from our church there and I felt like my interactions were typical. A part of me still was insisting on finding some place of quiet but it wasn’t overwhelming the rest of me.

We left and I did try to explain what I was feeling and what happened at that point but I was still rather unsure. I still am for that matter. I am certain it was a meltdown but as this was a new experience, I have nothing to connect it with. I’ve had the “angry” meltdowns before but never this.

The next two days gave me ample evidence that what I experienced was indeed a meltdown. I completed much of what I expected to but it felt like the mental cost was higher and even physically I didn’t feel like I was my usual self. Perhaps, I should have done nothing Saturday or Sunday but I prefer to be in motion and keep my mind from focusing on what I should be doing.

As I finish this, I’m left with two thoughts. First, I can no longer deny the self diagnosis of being autistic. Second, I have to assume this will happen again and I have to do as much as I can to be prepared when it does.

Volume 1 of unfinished works

Here it is, if you care to read it.
Maybe you’d find it of interest after all; though to me it’s both depressing and frustrating.

Do you want to know of those dreams, desires and hopes I arose with. Would you find more interest in what I accomplished or what was left unfinished?

If you want the first. Find someone else, I’m sorry but that doesn’t matter to me that much. Most of those will repeat tomorrow anyway. It is the unfinished ones that cling to you and refuse to let go. Those are what I think about and wish I could stop.

If you want to read this book I’ve written, please sit down. The volume is long and book one has, drat, I forgot to number the pages; well, it’s a lot.

So maybe tomorrow’s will be shorter but it’s Monday so probably not.

I wish I could explain it

I reach for the shadows,
fingers stretched towards the darkness
Desiring to draw it around me tightly and disappear into its embrace.
I want to fade away,
to allow this weariness to overtake me
and forget about everything else around me.

I get up, get dressed, and endeavor to simply push through this fog. I’m not strong enough to hide it away this time but I can’t explain exactly what I feel either. I’m not depressed, not really, but I rest on the border of “done”. I’ve walked in depression’s valleys before and this is different somehow.

I wish I could explain exactly how I am feeling right now but the right words escape me. Right now, it would just sound like I’m fighting a cold or allergies. Maybe you’d say I didn’t sleep well. Though all those may be true, trust me, what I feel is more than just that.

If I can understand what my body is telling me then I’ll explain. I’ll tell you what I need as I realize it. Until then, just be there for me. I’m sure it’s hard for you feeling so helpless. Just please remember one thing, I didn’t choose to feel this way but I’m choosing to never give up.

I wish I could explain it….

I know it’s irrational, logically it makes no sense, but why does that matter?

I use this plate and this bowl; every single time, I specifically use these items. I thought you knew that. I want to ask you why you didn’t make sure they were clean for today, but I don’t. I don’t have time to explain why it matters to me, but it does.

Logically, I could use any bowl, any plate and use another utensil to serve. But that’s not how it’s supposed to be. I’m sure I can find it, wash it and still use it but then I have to explain myself to you and “just because” is probably not enough of a reason.

Time marches on and besides that they are waiting, quietly staring. If I take to much longer they will start vocalizing their displeasure. Oh, and I do still have to get to work on time, so I’ll settle on the alternate bowl I’ve used but I’m washing this utensil so I don’t have to make an extra decision.

Everything is done at last but the issue with not having the right bowl still bothers me. I wish I could explain it to her and ask why she didn’t wash it. However, then I’d have to explain why it bothers me and simply put, I can’t…

Lost again, stupid directions

Can you help me? I think I’m lost again. Okay, correct that, I am lost.

I tried to listen to the directions you gave.  Don’t you remember how i repeated each step to you perfectly? (As i promptly forgot the step before the one i was now speaking)

The map you made for me was great.  Every important street labeled and key buildings marked.  You told me how simple this map would make my trip.  But I find it hard to read a map when I’m driving and is this intersection even on your map?  

When I eventually get home,.please don’t focus on the fact that I got lost. I know you would have been made it back hours ago.  Not sure how that helps though but next time i have to travel you can drive.

I’m going to go to my room and find the sanctuary i need.  If you need me, leave a message.  I’ve had enough interaction with people; especially those behind a wheel.

Are you trying to give me directions again?  You’ve already lost me. I’m truly I for but I’m supposed to make a left, or is it a right at the intersection?  Oh, wait, I have a gps?! Okay, just give me the address and I’ll get there soon.