Category Archives: autism, decision making, communication

Candle, Mind, and Body

Behold! The match is drawn and struck. The spark is made and the flame ignites, as it moves towards the wick. The fire takes hold and the candle steps into the flow of time.

The candle illumines the stillness and the tasks that lay undone. The restlessness within is revealed in its flickering light. See the one in motion, unable to remain at rest until the body says enough.

Another day, there’s more to do, and so the other end of the candle is found by the flame.

Two steps forward, then three steps back. Falling behind as the pace is increased.  Searching for another place a flame can take hold while fearing the time when the candle will break.

The body cries out for rest, but the mind refuses to let go. It wants to but the work is not yet done.  It fears the voices that come in the quiet of idleness. 

The mind desires stillness but the body cannot remain at rest.  The energy within must go somewhere.  The tension must be released but there are too many choices and where to begin…

Then, in the blink of an eye, the light from the candle is gone. There is nothing left to burn. The mind still plans as it calls out to the body to remain and let go. Yet, it is drug down into darkness and stillness as the body has nothing left.

The mind lets go at last and descends with the body.  It knows it must recharge. If the coming day is to be faced, the wax must cool and the new wick trimmed.

Volume 1 of unfinished works

Here it is, if you care to read it.
Maybe you’d find it of interest after all; though to me it’s both depressing and frustrating.

Do you want to know of those dreams, desires and hopes I arose with. Would you find more interest in what I accomplished or what was left unfinished?

If you want the first. Find someone else, I’m sorry but that doesn’t matter to me that much. Most of those will repeat tomorrow anyway. It is the unfinished ones that cling to you and refuse to let go. Those are what I think about and wish I could stop.

If you want to read this book I’ve written, please sit down. The volume is long and book one has, drat, I forgot to number the pages; well, it’s a lot.

So maybe tomorrow’s will be shorter but it’s Monday so probably not.

I wish I could explain it

I reach for the shadows,
fingers stretched towards the darkness
Desiring to draw it around me tightly and disappear into its embrace.
I want to fade away,
to allow this weariness to overtake me
and forget about everything else around me.

I get up, get dressed, and endeavor to simply push through this fog. I’m not strong enough to hide it away this time but I can’t explain exactly what I feel either. I’m not depressed, not really, but I rest on the border of “done”. I’ve walked in depression’s valleys before and this is different somehow.

I wish I could explain exactly how I am feeling right now but the right words escape me. Right now, it would just sound like I’m fighting a cold or allergies. Maybe you’d say I didn’t sleep well. Though all those may be true, trust me, what I feel is more than just that.

If I can understand what my body is telling me then I’ll explain. I’ll tell you what I need as I realize it. Until then, just be there for me. I’m sure it’s hard for you feeling so helpless. Just please remember one thing, I didn’t choose to feel this way but I’m choosing to never give up.

It’s not that I can’t…

It was a familiar sensation. The calm of certainty to the all to easy “put on the mask of calmness before the panic and fear shows through” moment. I didn’t have time to explain that the helpful suggestions were making it worse for me. I had tried before but failed, mostly because i didn’t understand why the question of ” can you make dinner?” would cause such distress. I could see it in my mind finally. Each main dish led to multiple options, almost all at once. This basically led to me mentally going in circles. The other part is my sense of time with cooking. Without a recipe and clearly laid out steps, something always gets rushed. On top of that, frustration from both parties who are tired and hungry. If those times didn’t lead to a meltdown, it at least led to an intense discussion. I expressed my frustration at not being able to come up with anything and her frustration that after a long day she had to suddenly come up with dinner.

I recognize now the paralysis that came with so many choices and the inability to express my need for help. That was the most frustrating thing, to know I’m capable, that I can function in the kitchen, but to be unable to get started. I was incredibly disappointed in myself and I’m sure that amplified the disappointment she was experiencing.

For the first time, I was able to recognize and even more, acknowledge what I was experiencing was valid. With that, came the freedom to admit the need for help. The relief at the response of two choices is beyond words. I can handle two choices! All I had to do was settle on one of those choices and make sure I started on time.

It was a great feeling when she came home to have supper nearly done and to know she could focus on unwinding and not on what was for supper.