In the quiet stillness

My ears strain to hear the voice no earthly tongue can speak. In the stillness, perhaps I’ll hear an echo.

Of those words of power,
which made something from nothing words that brought life from death, words that could wash away all in a wave of unfathomable force.

I want to hear the voice that knows no single tongue.

Teach me the ancient words long forgotten, from which life springs forth.

I sit here listening for the song that no ear can hear, yet the power it holds could raise the dead.

I sit here waiting for the only voice that truly matters. The voice of the one who knows me completely and accepts me for who I am.

It’s not that I can’t…

It was a familiar sensation. The calm of certainty to the all to easy “put on the mask of calmness before the panic and fear shows through” moment. I didn’t have time to explain that the helpful suggestions were making it worse for me. I had tried before but failed, mostly because i didn’t understand why the question of ” can you make dinner?” would cause such distress. I could see it in my mind finally. Each main dish led to multiple options, almost all at once. This basically led to me mentally going in circles. The other part is my sense of time with cooking. Without a recipe and clearly laid out steps, something always gets rushed. On top of that, frustration from both parties who are tired and hungry. If those times didn’t lead to a meltdown, it at least led to an intense discussion. I expressed my frustration at not being able to come up with anything and her frustration that after a long day she had to suddenly come up with dinner.

I recognize now the paralysis that came with so many choices and the inability to express my need for help. That was the most frustrating thing, to know I’m capable, that I can function in the kitchen, but to be unable to get started. I was incredibly disappointed in myself and I’m sure that amplified the disappointment she was experiencing.

For the first time, I was able to recognize and even more, acknowledge what I was experiencing was valid. With that, came the freedom to admit the need for help. The relief at the response of two choices is beyond words. I can handle two choices! All I had to do was settle on one of those choices and make sure I started on time.

It was a great feeling when she came home to have supper nearly done and to know she could focus on unwinding and not on what was for supper.