It was nice to ride with you both again. As the music played, the memories stepped out of the darkened corners of my mind.
I sometimes forget how much I’ve missed you. I let time dull that loss I felt when I finally bid you both farewell.
I admit I’ve not thought of you as often as I feel I should. You gave so much, accepted me as I was and much of what you taught I still adhere to.
I look forward to the next time, when the music calls forth the memories anew. I’ll do my best to make sure that
I almost want to ask, but I don’t think I will. It might be okay if I did, but I’m not sure if it’s normal or even what the reaction would be. Yet, here I sit wondering if I offended or upset someone else without realizing it.
All I can base this on is one side of an overheard conversation. It seemed to relate to the work I had volunteered to help with. Nothing was said and no reactions given. So maybe it’s all in my head. Perhaps, that was not the environment I work well in and out felt awkward to the one I was helping.
So I choose not to beat myself up anymore for that time. I choose to forgive myself as well. Most likely, it’s as it usually is, all in my head.
I reach for the shadows,
fingers stretched towards the darkness
Desiring to draw it around me tightly and disappear into its embrace.
I want to fade away,
to allow this weariness to overtake me
and forget about everything else around me.
I get up, get dressed, and endeavor to simply push through this fog. I’m not strong enough to hide it away this time but I can’t explain exactly what I feel either. I’m not depressed, not really, but I rest on the border of “done”. I’ve walked in depression’s valleys before and this is different somehow.
I wish I could explain exactly how I am feeling right now but the right words escape me. Right now, it would just sound like I’m fighting a cold or allergies. Maybe you’d say I didn’t sleep well. Though all those may be true, trust me, what I feel is more than just that.
If I can understand what my body is telling me then I’ll explain. I’ll tell you what I need as I realize it. Until then, just be there for me. I’m sure it’s hard for you feeling so helpless. Just please remember one thing, I didn’t choose to feel this way but I’m choosing to never give up.
I’m hoping someone saw it, whatever it was that hit me. If they did, why instead of warning me, did they watch it run me over. Did they figure it wouldn’t kill me? Well, I’m not dead yet it’s true but am I really getting better?
I was enjoying the surroundings and was hopeful for the day. I think next time I’ll hide in the shadows no matter how good I feel.
When it comes around again tell Monday it’s not welcome anymore. I could use some tea and lots of sleep. Then help me hide from Tuesday. Someone told me the truck it’s driving is bigger …
My ears strain to hear the voice no earthly tongue can speak. In the stillness, perhaps I’ll hear an echo.
Of those words of power,
which made something from nothing words that brought life from death, words that could wash away all in a wave of unfathomable force.
I want to hear the voice that knows no single tongue.
Teach me the ancient words long forgotten, from which life springs forth.
I sit here listening for the song that no ear can hear, yet the power it holds could raise the dead.
I sit here waiting for the only voice that truly matters. The voice of the one who knows me completely and accepts me for who I am.
It was a familiar sensation. The calm of certainty to the all to easy “put on the mask of calmness before the panic and fear shows through” moment. I didn’t have time to explain that the helpful suggestions were making it worse for me. I had tried before but failed, mostly because i didn’t understand why the question of ” can you make dinner?” would cause such distress. I could see it in my mind finally. Each main dish led to multiple options, almost all at once. This basically led to me mentally going in circles. The other part is my sense of time with cooking. Without a recipe and clearly laid out steps, something always gets rushed. On top of that, frustration from both parties who are tired and hungry. If those times didn’t lead to a meltdown, it at least led to an intense discussion. I expressed my frustration at not being able to come up with anything and her frustration that after a long day she had to suddenly come up with dinner.
I recognize now the paralysis that came with so many choices and the inability to express my need for help. That was the most frustrating thing, to know I’m capable, that I can function in the kitchen, but to be unable to get started. I was incredibly disappointed in myself and I’m sure that amplified the disappointment she was experiencing.
For the first time, I was able to recognize and even more, acknowledge what I was experiencing was valid. With that, came the freedom to admit the need for help. The relief at the response of two choices is beyond words. I can handle two choices! All I had to do was settle on one of those choices and make sure I started on time.
It was a great feeling when she came home to have supper nearly done and to know she could focus on unwinding and not on what was for supper.
There, I heard it, I’m sure.
The sound of something heavy dropping from 50 feet up. Alas, it wasn’t, she is maybe 8lbs at most and the drop was maybe 3 feet.
Thunder rumbles from up above. No, it’s just her walking, coming down to make her demands.
Then she is there. Silent as a ghost, but way more terrifying. She stares at the door and then at me. Her message is clear, spoken without a sound.
I sigh and walk to the door to the room. I open it and in she walks in without so much as a backward glance of appreciation.
“Just once would be nice”, I say to myself. “At least my dog is thankful. I wonder if anyone wants a cat?”
I hope she cannot read minds…..