I wish I could explain it….

I know it’s irrational, logically it makes no sense, but why does that matter?

I use this plate and this bowl; every single time, I specifically use these items. I thought you knew that. I want to ask you why you didn’t make sure they were clean for today, but I don’t. I don’t have time to explain why it matters to me, but it does.

Logically, I could use any bowl, any plate and use another utensil to serve. But that’s not how it’s supposed to be. I’m sure I can find it, wash it and still use it but then I have to explain myself to you and “just because” is probably not enough of a reason.

Time marches on and besides that they are waiting, quietly staring. If I take to much longer they will start vocalizing their displeasure. Oh, and I do still have to get to work on time, so I’ll settle on the alternate bowl I’ve used but I’m washing this utensil so I don’t have to make an extra decision.

Everything is done at last but the issue with not having the right bowl still bothers me. I wish I could explain it to her and ask why she didn’t wash it. However, then I’d have to explain why it bothers me and simply put, I can’t…

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Lost again, stupid directions

Can you help me? I think I’m lost again. Okay, correct that, I am lost.

I tried to listen to the directions you gave.  Don’t you remember how i repeated each step to you perfectly? (As i promptly forgot the step before the one i was now speaking)

The map you made for me was great.  Every important street labeled and key buildings marked.  You told me how simple this map would make my trip.  But I find it hard to read a map when I’m driving and is this intersection even on your map?  

When I eventually get home,.please don’t focus on the fact that I got lost. I know you would have been made it back hours ago.  Not sure how that helps though but next time i have to travel you can drive.

I’m going to go to my room and find the sanctuary i need.  If you need me, leave a message.  I’ve had enough interaction with people; especially those behind a wheel.

Are you trying to give me directions again?  You’ve already lost me. I’m truly I for but I’m supposed to make a left, or is it a right at the intersection?  Oh, wait, I have a gps?! Okay, just give me the address and I’ll get there soon.

Another piece of the puzzle?

As I write this I have to wonder exactly how many times this situation has been replayed. How often would I see myself just barely keeping it together when my “plans” were suddenly altered. I almost want to ask how my co-workers have viewed those times but if I do keep things as contained in public as I believe then maybe they’ve not noticed anything. As my boss hasn’t addressed similar situations I have to believe that outwardly the mask I’ve put on is still mostly in place.

My day had been going well overall. As a delivery driver some days are very straightforward and other times you honestly wonder how there are not more serious accidents on the road. This is not my ideal job but it is a job I can do and for now it works. I have small routines and I do my run in a certain order (doing it in the reverse order has not gone great (…I wonder why, kinda). I handle my stops a certain way and get back usually in a certain time ballpark.

Yesterday I was reminded again that I can be sensitive/easily agitated when that routine gets interrupted. I left for my second run and was called back to get a part I “forgot” which really surprised me as I thought I had done l double checked everything. I turned around and picked up the part (15 minutes later) only to see that not only was it not properly noted but was printed after the specified time. I’m sure I didn’t forget it but that it came late. It took hours to stop venting (to myself as I drove) to feel settled. Then in explaining to my wife why this bothered me I could feel that coming back…sigh…

In hindsight, the “rules” were broken and I felt my work ethic was questioned. Yet, my reaction was wrong. I have and will forget things and if I expect grace then I must show it to others.

To those abused by the church

To those who have been ignored it silenced by the church, I’m sorry.

I’d offer to take your pain away, to wash the memory clean if I could. I won’t say I understand what you’re feeling either, we know that would be a lie.

I can’t act on my desires either. The longing for justice and desire of carrying it out myself.

Their death wouldn’t bring you closure anyway. It wouldn’t undo what they did, the lies they told you, or put your shattered soul back together. Time cannot be undone.

I can only offer to sit here in silence. I won’t tell you why it happened, only it wasn’t your fault. I won’t give some “church answer” as to why this isn’t so bad, because there is none. I can only offer to sit here with you and listen if you care to speak. Again, I’m sorry. No one deserves what you’ve gone through.

Between uncertainty and clarity

It’s only recently that I’ve been able to identify the restless feeling that has often been present when I’ve been in large groups. On prior occasions I identified it as the need to get things done at home. Then it came a little clearer as the feeling of being “done”. I don’t know if someone had asked if I was feeling anxious how I would have answered. Maybe I would have said yes. I was certainly feeling overwhelmed and wanting some form of ” escape”.

I now sit in between uncertainty and clarity. I’ve heard about autism and Asperger’s for a number of years. I’ve worked with children who were diagnosed with Asperger’s. Yet, all I knew was what I heard and from my interactions with those who were diagnosed. So this couldn’t be me. I was just a weird, introverted individual, who didn’t do well in social situations, and preferred being alone.

Now, I can look back and realize that I may have been experiencing meltdowns when I verbally lashed out at my parents and now (when it happens now) my wife that I need to look deeper than I have an anger issue. I was ignoring the warning signs of feeling overwhelmed and frustrated with other people. I would happily tear a person apart logically if they did something that was just wrong.

Now, I sit and write. Now I wait as I hope to get a diagnosis. I hang in the balance of “what if the professional says I’m just a weird person.”

Well, then I’ll rest in the truth that I’m loved and accepted by my God, my wife, my family, and that small group of friends who understands if I need to walk away and sit in a quiet, low lit room, until I’m ready to interact with the world again.

Responding in Grace

I’ve lost track of how many times I’ve started “this post” in response to what has been occurring in our society recently.

I’ve wrestled with three questions. First, am I just reacting to what is being shared? Second, what is my motive for responding? Last, can I write with attitude of humility and grace? All these questions must have a response that aligns with how I’ve come to understand scripture.

Too often, I’ve started to respond only to realize I want to put someone in their place. I want them to not only see that they were wrong but to apologize to me as well. Sometimes, I catch myself and sometimes i have to dig myself out of a fresh hole.

I stayed silent during the election for the most part because i knew if I responded, that my response would be confrontational, include plenty of “truth”, but be devoid of grace and the love of Christ.

I end this post with a few questions: what is the purpose of your post? Why did you share that article? Was it to get others to think or to just think like you? Finally, if they disagree with your opinion/truth, how do you respond?

I am thankful to live in this country, even with all its flaws. I’m even more thankful that there is a God and he is ultimately in control.